Replan! Replan! Replan!

As my friends know, I'm a financial analyst. One of the accounts I take care of has, how can I put this, seriously blew past their budget in just one week.

Side note here, I'm not an accountant (bean counter). Just wanted to make that clear. I am a planner, scheduler, forecaster, estimator, proposal writer type.

Last week I had gotten together with the manager, supervisor and business group lead (BGL) to discuss a recovery plan. Due to the hurricanes, we had become seriously behind schedule. I needed to know from them, just what we were looking at in terms of hours/headcount. I didn't even want to think of the damage it was going to do to the dollars.

We sat down and got a week by week/month by month plan. We overran this particular item in a seriously bad way last year and had to go in for variance funding, (please Mr. Navy Boss, we need more money) so this year, (naturally, my boss decided that I needed to take this account now) we are going to be tracked very closely. Even more so, now that we are in recovery mode. Not a big deal. Just a bit more work which I don't mind.

Well, this morning I pulled the actuals to see how close we came to our plan. I wish I wouldn't have. I immediately sent an email to the manager/supervisor/BGL, as well as my own supervisor and BGL.

Hi all you lovely people who want me to lose my job,

I have just pulled last weeks actuals and it seems that we are a bit off in our numbers. It only took the paramedics 5 minutes to revive me, but I'm ok now. I just need to take it easy. I've developed a twitch in my right eye and am hearing voices. But hey..it's ok, really. The doctor said with proper medication and weekly visits with my psychiatrist, that I will be able to resume somewhat of a normal life.

It seems that you have seriously blown past your budget for the month in just one week. Man, you are good. I've been doing this kind of thing for a long time and I've never worked with someone so talented. I'm still trying to figure out how you nearly TRIPLED your planned overtime. I'm sure that my hearing aid must have been turned off when you gave me your recovery plan. Was I mistaken in thinking that part of your plan was to do shift work, which would mitigate your overtime? I'm recommending, that perhaps, this would not be a good time to go ahead and hire the extra FIVE people you wanted to bring on board in November until we get this straightened out. Do you think there is any way that we can delay bringing the 4 that you submitted offers to this month until say, July of next year? Ok..maybe I'm overracting just a tiny bit. It is my greatest wish that your people are going to take a lot of vacation, and soon, even though you are seriously behind schedule. Got anyone scheduled for surgery?

Sincerely,

Your now psychopathic analyst

And that my friends, was how my day started. I've updated my resume and am prepared to go out into the world and present myself.

Yo! Dude! Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don't upset us, all's we ask is that you let us serve it your way!

So it goes!