Monday, November 29, 2004

Forrest Lawn

Ok, so, most would say I'm an easy going, kind of go-with-the-flow kind of gal. Wait, please don't ask my husband about that or the midget terrorists but there comes a time when a mother must stand up for what is RIGHT! Can you say RIGHT? Let me hear you! I mean really. I have a wicked sense of humor but this does not extend to teaching my children songs which would be inappropriate to sing in front of one's parents, or in-laws, or neighbors, or the neighbor's dog. We've already passed the Brittney Spears saga, and Madonna's "I'm a Virgin..touched for the very first time," which both of my children sang, from start to finish, in front of my parents, wearing nothing but panties. Ok, I taught them that one but that's not the point. Let's not confuse the issues with facts here.

So people, I was in the garage with my husband, He, Who Must Obey She Who Must Be Obeyed (SWMBO). Hey...I've got a sweatshirt that I got from my mother-in-law that says that. Heh..yeah, like THAT's gonna happen.

Anyway...I'm veering from my point. Probably shouldn't have had that second glass of wine. My husband and I were in the garage talking about John Denver. Why? I have no clue. He broke out in a rendition of John Denver's "Forrest Lawn." I've heard it before, it's funny and all of that, but, that's about it.

Mr. OWW has this sort of shit-eating grin. Come on! You know what I'm talking about. The kind that just reeks of "ooooh, I have a great idea, and I know you aren't gonna like it." I hate it when that happens. Well, if I'm not the one with the grin, that is.

So, Mr. OWW, the one who will sleep with the dog tonight, offers to go get the girls out of the tub and get them ready for bed. My friends, THIS should have immediately clued me in that something was amiss.

As it was, he made it through the kitchen, and the dining room before I took him down. Not an easy task for a woman who is only 5'7" vs a man who is 6'3". I'm getting slow in my old age, but I managed to get the kids in bed before he was able to carry out his plan. He loves to do this. Teach the kids songs that would embarrass even the most brazen of women. Ok, this one isn't really all that bad, but tell me. Honestly. Would you want your children belting this out in the middle of the produce aisle?

Oh lay me down in Forest Lawn in a silver casket,
Put golden flowers over my head in a silver basket.
Let the drum and bugle corp play taps while cannons roar
And sixteen liveried employees sell souveniers from the funeral store.

I want to go simply when I go,
They'll give me a simple funeral there I know,
With a casket lined in fleece
And fireworks spelling out "rest in peace."
Oh take me when I'm gone to Forest Lawn.

Oh lay me down in Forest Lawn, they understand there.
They have a heavenly choir and a military band there.
Just put me in their care, I'll find my comfort there
With sixteen planes in a last salute they'll drop a cross in a parachute.

I want to go simply when I go,
They'll give me a simple funeral there I know:
With a hundred strolling strings
And topless dancers with golden wings!
Oh take me when I'm gone to Forest Lawn.

Oh, come, come, come, come,
Come to the church in the wildwood,
Kindly leave a contribution in the pail.
Be as simple and as trusting as a child would
And we'll sell you the church in the dale.

To find a simple resting place is my desire;
To lay me down with a smiling face comes a little bit higher.
My likeness cast in brass will stand in plastic grass
While hidden weights and springs tip it's hat to the mourners filing past!

I want to go simply when I go.
They'll give me a simple funeral there I know.
I'll lie beneath the sand
With piped in tapes of Billy Graham.
Oh take me when I'm gone to Forest Lawn.

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
For a slightly higher fee!

Oh take me when I'm gone to Forest Lawn!

Again, not a bad song. I'm just pissed I didn't think of teaching it to them first.


Blogger Aussie Mama said...


11:09 PM  
Blogger christine said...

that song always made me laugh, you will have to buy the Tome Lehrer song book and find some of the less political ones in there to teach them. The MAsochism Tango round the meat couinter perhaps.

1:45 AM  
Blogger Sharon said...

very funny entry....and here I am just teaching the kids songs I learned in camp when I was their age. I need to get updated in a hurry.

8:00 AM  
Blogger Moogie said...

Heh...we sing a lot of camp songs, and Bible songs. The kids love to sing and they learn alot of songs at school. It's good stuff!

9:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To heck with the song--I'm impressed at how fast you can take him out. Good going.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Elisson said...

Heh. HWMOSWMBO, eh? How do you pronounce that? Hoo-Moe-Swim-Bo?

That Forest Lawn song...brilliant. Is that Tom Lehrer? Sounds like it.

Of course, I've gotta sympathize with Hoo-Moe-Swim-Bo here, because I've been corrupting my kids' minds with twisted song lyrics since they were in their runny-nose days. My girls were the only ones in the neighborhood who could (and would) quote Linton Kwesi Johnson, the dub poet, at length:

Madness tight on de heads of de rebels...

1:46 PM  
Blogger Elisson said...

Duh. It says John Denver right there in your post...but it still reeks of Tom Lehrer. Forest Lawn, indeed!

1:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Remind me Never to dis ya too much moogie, heck I'm smaller than you (5'2" if you guys & girls really wanna know) and hmm a Mad Moogie just scares me...


(Hmm must think of songs ya can teach 'em)

2:09 PM  

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