Thursday, November 04, 2004

Just when I thought my life couldn't get any crazier.........

This is my entry for Blogging for Books #5

b4b.jpg

Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any crazier, good old Mr. Murphy whispered in my ear. “Be careful what you wish for.” On March 31, 1998, my daughter (our second child) made her entrance into the world. Emphatically. My carefully laid out daily schedules were now a thing of the past. The saying “get in, sit down, shut up and hold on” comes to mind. Little did I know how bumpy that ride was going to be.

Child #1: Moooooom, she’s looking at me!

Me: Honey, please don’t look at your sister any more.

Child #2: But she looked at me first.

Me: Remember what I told you sweetie…sometimes people don’t like to be looked at.

Child #1: Moooom, she’s looking at me again.

Child #2: Ooooooh, I’m telling! Mooooom, she touched me.

Me: Girls, please…no more touching.

Child #1: Give me that! It’s mine!

Child #2: I had it first!

Me: Girls, you have to share.

Child #1 and #2 in unison: Moooooooooooooom!

Me: Alright you two! I have had enough! I don’t want either one of you to look at each other, touch each other or play with any of your toys for the rest of your lives!

All of this, and we haven’t even gotten in the car yet. Sound familiar? When I had just one child, life was simple. No fighting. No touching. No looking. Of course, it lacked the certain chaotic atmosphere that tends to enrich our lives now. While I sometimes long for the days of “the only child,” I can’t say that I want to change anything. Most of the time. They sure are cute when they’re asleep aren’t they? Read on.

I have a theory. I can hear all the scientists scoffing at this idea, but it is obvious that they are lacking in any social skills because they deal with micro-organisms, test tubes and mutated rats all day. Years ago, when I first began playing around with this theory in my head, I only related the results I found to the male species, specifically children. Since then, I have gained enough knowledge and foresight to see that this idea was flawed. Both male and female children suffer from it. The symptoms may be different, but the outcome is the same. No visible sign of brain activity. I should mention that this condition does not always rectify itself by the specified date for the male, as women around the world can testify.

Note to readers: This theory has not been proven scientifically, and is only the opinion of the author. Any similarities found in other children are purely coincidental. Please do not rush your child to the emergency room. There is no cure.

When a child is born, they are this tiny, adorable little bundle of life. One that you and your spouse/significant other have made. One that you are sure will be the model child. While this may work for a time when you have just one child, the moment you bring another into this world, all bets are off. The years pass and they grow up, both physically and emotionally, something begins to happen. Somewhere between the ages of 5 and 8 their brain stem and spinal cord slowly begin to disconnect. Over time, the separation is complete and the onset of symptoms commence.

Consistently forgetting to flush the toilet (OR TO PUT THE LID DOWN!). The inability to distinguish clean clothes from the dirty ones. Forgetting to tell parents about the cupcakes that they have to bring in for school until 5 minutes before they have to leave to catch the bus. Not being able to explain why we put little Jimmy on the trampoline, in a chair, and then jumped on the trampoline until little Jimmy flipped off (you ever try explaining that to little Jimmy’s mom?). Telling your mother that you have a vocabulary test the next day while she is tucking you in for the night. That’s just for starters. It’s gets worse as they get older. To set your mind at ease, this will generally go away with no medical intervention sometime in the late teens or early 20’s.

The emotional state of a parent tends to disintegrate as well. I suspect that is because we have to repeat ourselves so many times. We simply lose track of where and who we really are. What were you thinking? How many times do I have to tell you not to leave food wrappers on the floor? Do not climb on the top of the car! Pick up your clothes! Stop jumping on the furniture! Who didn’t flush the toilet? For the 15th time, quit hitting your sister or else I’m going to stick your head in the freezer! I’m sure you have a few of your own.

If that isn’t enough to make life crazy, how about getting your children ready to go to school in the morning? Just what you need when you are having trouble focusing and forming any kind of coherent sentence. I tend to get up a half an hour early so I can stand a chance of winning at least one of the battles. Have you ever tried to get my children out of bed? My oldest isn’t that hard. Well, you practically have to sit on her to wake her up, but once you do, she stumbles across the floor to sit at the table, waiting for her breakfast. I had never seen a child eat breakfast while sleeping before.

We have to start a bit earlier with the younger one. Future husband of this child beware. She is not a morning person. Dad will generally get her up and sit her in the recliner for about 10 minutes before tentatively approaching her and asking her about breakfast. If you try it any sooner, you’ll likely be missing an arm. We have all learned the hard way with this one.

After breakfast, we move on to the fashion machine, known as the closet. In this case, the youngest generally causes us no trouble. Unless she’s in a really bad mood. When this occurs, I suspect that I could be holding a Cinderella Costume in my hand but this would not be sufficient. You kind of have to roll with the punches sometimes. The oldest one will soon be going to school nude. It is always a fight to get her to wear something appropriate. We live in Georgia. It’s still very warm here. She insists on wearing long pants (mainly jeans). Do you know why she won’t wear shorts? Because her legs are hairy. But riddle me this. Why is her favorite thing to wear a skirt? Wouldn’t the skirt show hairy legs or is this some type of fashion statement her mother isn’t aware of. “Mom, duh. Everyone that is anyone knows that hairy legs go with skirts and clean shaven legs go with shorts.” How could I be so stupid?

We used to have a battle about lunches which are much easier than the daily fashion crunch. For whatever reason, they never wanted to buy at the cafeteria. I’m thinking it has something to do with the fact that the food there isn’t fit for the mutated mice referenced above. For some odd reason, and I am not one to question a blessing, eating lunch in the cafeteria is now cool. Hey, who am I to argue with cool? After all, I have clean-shaven legs when I wear a skirt.

I remember when dinner used to be a quiet, relaxing affair. Now I dread it. I have one child that will eat just about anything, until Miss Picky opens her mouth and says “oooh, that’s gross” and then quickly remembers her manners and says “I don’t care for any no thank you.” Too late, now the little one thinks it’s gross too. Even though the youngest is a wonderful eater when separated from her sister, there is some genetic defect she possesses that prevents her from sitting in her seat all the way through dinnertime. If I had a dime for every time I have told her to sit down I’d have a Nanny right now.

Generally by bedtime, I’m ready to fall in a heap on the floor and just sleep. Bath time, while not a bad thing, is chaotic. One is old enough to do it herself, but has to be prodded along the whole time. Have you washed your hair yet? Ok, now it’s time for cream rinse. Hurry it up, I’d like your sister bathed sometime before midnight. Conversely, the youngest wants to do it herself, but is not quite there yet. If I would leave her on her own, the entire bottle of shampoo would be used, but only half of her head would be washed.

After our bedtime routine, which normally consists of saying our prayers and reading a book, or telling a story, it’s my time. That is, of course, until I discovered that one of the squirmy little bodies I have just put to bed, tiptoed across the hall to her sisters’ room.

Mooooom, she’s looking/touching/bothering me!

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Moogie! Loved this entry! Infact I recall doing some (make that most) of the things on that list to my parents. Ohhh, by the way dad I need to take something for the cake sale at school today :) Oh the memories!
Kelli
http://kellisonline.blogdrive.com

12:05 AM  
Blogger Moogie said...

Hope...most likely a good thing. I think it was more of a rhetorical question in any case. I don't think I'd push that off on anyone. :)

11:31 PM  
Blogger Sharon said...

I loved this, loved it! I feel your pain! :)

8:12 AM  
Blogger Lilly said...

Very good story! One of my brothers is less than 2 years younger than me, and we had many of those moments where we thought we were anoying each other, but we were probably driving our parents over the edge. My favorite line was, "Future husband of this child beware. She is not a morning person." That was surely written about me, just ask my husband LOL!

7:29 AM  
Blogger Kris said...

You mean, all this stuff doesn't clear itself up by the time they're five? Damn!

Great entry, BTW.

1:45 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home